Another great day..

Yesterday and the day before that I have spent being with Them..
The little girls father still didn't get his money so he's not there yet, but he will be coming any day now, so it's finally over until things get clear..
I'm single for the time being.. I don't want to, but I have to be single..
This sucks..

Ohh and just so I can say that my life is "grrrrreat!" today my dad told me that my last living grandparent, my mothers mother is in hospital and it seems like she won't make it until this years Christmass..
Should I say YAAAAY! or something? Is this supposed to make things better or what? What the fuck is happening with my life and why is it happening?

It was wonderful..

So it is over.. No more frustrating moments, no more tears.. Yeah.. And I'm a pro wrestler..
It hurts.. It really hurts.. The feeling when your future, your happiness, your dreams are torn away from you by the prson you love the most on this whole frickin' planet.. By the person who you've been dreaming of.. It really hurts..

People say, that the things that doesn't kill you, only make you stronger.. Bullshit.. The thing that really hurts you, is always killing you.. Little by little, day by day.. These things make you feel and look like you're stronger in the end, but you will always know deep down that you're getting weaker by the second..

It really hurts..

And still.. I love her.. The only thing that's left for me is hope.. And I'm damn well going to hold to it, because if I wouldn't, I would lose the last spark of the meaning of my life..

I loved you! I love you! I'll love you!

Guess what?..

Now I'm on my way home.. Again.. This time for an indefinite amount of time.. It can vary between a week and a month..  I can only hope it won't be longer..
Even before I stepped trough the door I began missing them.. It's really hard..
And even though I only left half an hour ago it has already started to rain shit.. It turns out that almost everyone I left them with, is a two-faced piece of shit..
And on top of everything -just so I feel the love of the universe- I'm drenching in the rain.. Great!
And just now even the bus driver shut the door in my face.. Thank you Life!
Really! Thank you!

Boing..

The interview was too good, the first day (without payment) was real bad and there won't be anymore days in this job for me..

Right now I'm going back to see the reasons of why I live.. It's been only a few days since I last saw them, but it feels like weeks have passed..
I really miss them..
I don't know how long will I stay or what will happen, but I know that I'm going to be happy the rest of this day..

Wait.. Be patient.. Dream.. Hope..

Okay, so I'm on my way to a job interview.. Hopefully it will turn out good and I'll get the job..
It would be great.. Not just because the money,  but because then I wouldn't have so much time to think and would be much happier..

And it begins..

So this is it.. The beginning of the end..

I left about half an hour ago and it is horrible..  I don't know how I will make it through this.. It feels like I've already lost them..

Fuck..  I hate this..

Why is this happening?

Just as I thought..

Tonight she asked me to leave, because the girl has become too fond of me and that could easily cause problems with her father..
On a level I understand that,  but mostly it feels like crap..

I'm not leaving until tomorrow morning.. Don't know if I can sleep tonight..

I fear that this marks the end..
I really don't want this relationship to come to an end..
But somehow I almost know that it will.. Really soon..

It's settled.. for now..

She doesn't want to break up.. At least not now..

I'm a bit happier,  but still I fear the moment..  Deep down I feel it coming..

There are things that I fear more,  but I hope those won't come.. Actually I do hope they'll come, but only if nothing else manages to keep us together..

What did I do wrong?

I think she's going to break up with me..
But why? What have I done?

Didn't I give them everything that I could? Wasn't it enough? Was I a bad "step-father" for her girl? Did I say or do something bad?

There are so many questions and they just keep on coming..

Why is this happening? Why is it that when almost all of my dreams have come true everything has to be crushed?
Why?
What have I done to deserve this?

Why?

A bit late as to what I promised, but here goes :

I don't know what to do..  I don't know what's going on..

Sometimes I'm happy for her when I see that she's happy talking to him,  but sometimes it hurts..

If only I knew what will happen..

It would be so much easier..
I can only hope that he's going to fail, that he's only acting and it will become obvious soon..
If that's not the case, then I'm fucked..
It will be good for them,  but it would be better for them with me..
That I know for sure..

Even if he has changed, he won't be who she wants back, who she needs, who she deserves..

Why is it that when I get a chance, that I thought will never come again and finally I'm happy,  I have a reason to be, it gets ripped away?
Is this the meaning of my life?
Why do I have to get everything, if it only gets taken away from me?

I bet that someone or something up there is leafing like hell..
Hope he/she/it is having a good time..

What should I do?

Since the  last time I wrote, a lot of things happened..
On the day of the last post she invited me back and since then I'm here with them.. But not for long..
The little girl's father is coming back a week from now and I have a bad feeling about it..

Even now it feels like everything is going wrong, like I'm just some kind of a plan B..

I don't know what to do right now..
How to handle things in a situation like this..

Can't find the words, don't know what to say..
I'll write again today..

It's always worse..

(Actual) Day 1

I woke up atleast 6 times last night hugging my pillow, missing her. Missing her scent, her touch, her warmth, the simple fact that she is beside me..
At 11:47 AM I woke up to a facebook chat message: Good morning Dear!
I was happy again for a second or two, but then I almost started to cry.. Again..

Since then we're chatting - even now- and I'm ultimately happy and endlessly sad at the same time..

I have a really bad feeling about this.. I don't know where this is going, but it doesn't feels like it's going in the right way.. I'm genuinely afraid that something bad will come out of this and I'm almost sure that I will lose them and with them the chance to be truly happy again..

If this really goes on for the next 4 months or more I'm going to break.. permanently..
If this will end in any other way than with the three of us living happily together: see above..

Start Again

Everyone says, that starting again is never worth it..

They're all wrong..  I can tell that for sure..

If both of you feel like warming it up, then it is worth it! Go ahead! Do it!

The only thing that sucks is losing your happiness again.. It sucks a great deal..

A week ago my life has taken the best turn possible.. And now a week after it has taken the worst..

For a change I was actually a 100% happy.. I had everything I have ever dreamed of and more.. I had everything about sane man can hope for.. The dream became the reality..

In only a week's time I got and lost everything..  Everything except hope..
She gave me hope..
Hope that someday we could live together like in the past week..

I would literally do everything I can to have a life with her the way we had..

This is the real star of my new life..
From now on I will do everything in my power so no hurt will get to them..

If I have to sacrifice everything I will..