Boing..

The interview was too good, the first day (without payment) was real bad and there won't be anymore days in this job for me..

Right now I'm going back to see the reasons of why I live.. It's been only a few days since I last saw them, but it feels like weeks have passed..
I really miss them..
I don't know how long will I stay or what will happen, but I know that I'm going to be happy the rest of this day..

Wait.. Be patient.. Dream.. Hope..

Okay, so I'm on my way to a job interview.. Hopefully it will turn out good and I'll get the job..
It would be great.. Not just because the money,  but because then I wouldn't have so much time to think and would be much happier..

And it begins..

So this is it.. The beginning of the end..

I left about half an hour ago and it is horrible..  I don't know how I will make it through this.. It feels like I've already lost them..

Fuck..  I hate this..

Why is this happening?

Just as I thought..

Tonight she asked me to leave, because the girl has become too fond of me and that could easily cause problems with her father..
On a level I understand that,  but mostly it feels like crap..

I'm not leaving until tomorrow morning.. Don't know if I can sleep tonight..

I fear that this marks the end..
I really don't want this relationship to come to an end..
But somehow I almost know that it will.. Really soon..

It's settled.. for now..

She doesn't want to break up.. At least not now..

I'm a bit happier,  but still I fear the moment..  Deep down I feel it coming..

There are things that I fear more,  but I hope those won't come.. Actually I do hope they'll come, but only if nothing else manages to keep us together..

What did I do wrong?

I think she's going to break up with me..
But why? What have I done?

Didn't I give them everything that I could? Wasn't it enough? Was I a bad "step-father" for her girl? Did I say or do something bad?

There are so many questions and they just keep on coming..

Why is this happening? Why is it that when almost all of my dreams have come true everything has to be crushed?
Why?
What have I done to deserve this?

Why?

A bit late as to what I promised, but here goes :

I don't know what to do..  I don't know what's going on..

Sometimes I'm happy for her when I see that she's happy talking to him,  but sometimes it hurts..

If only I knew what will happen..

It would be so much easier..
I can only hope that he's going to fail, that he's only acting and it will become obvious soon..
If that's not the case, then I'm fucked..
It will be good for them,  but it would be better for them with me..
That I know for sure..

Even if he has changed, he won't be who she wants back, who she needs, who she deserves..

Why is it that when I get a chance, that I thought will never come again and finally I'm happy,  I have a reason to be, it gets ripped away?
Is this the meaning of my life?
Why do I have to get everything, if it only gets taken away from me?

I bet that someone or something up there is leafing like hell..
Hope he/she/it is having a good time..

What should I do?

Since the  last time I wrote, a lot of things happened..
On the day of the last post she invited me back and since then I'm here with them.. But not for long..
The little girl's father is coming back a week from now and I have a bad feeling about it..

Even now it feels like everything is going wrong, like I'm just some kind of a plan B..

I don't know what to do right now..
How to handle things in a situation like this..

Can't find the words, don't know what to say..
I'll write again today..

It's always worse..

(Actual) Day 1

I woke up atleast 6 times last night hugging my pillow, missing her. Missing her scent, her touch, her warmth, the simple fact that she is beside me..
At 11:47 AM I woke up to a facebook chat message: Good morning Dear!
I was happy again for a second or two, but then I almost started to cry.. Again..

Since then we're chatting - even now- and I'm ultimately happy and endlessly sad at the same time..

I have a really bad feeling about this.. I don't know where this is going, but it doesn't feels like it's going in the right way.. I'm genuinely afraid that something bad will come out of this and I'm almost sure that I will lose them and with them the chance to be truly happy again..

If this really goes on for the next 4 months or more I'm going to break.. permanently..
If this will end in any other way than with the three of us living happily together: see above..